[Miss W-] very glad to see me – began again about wishing me to have no hope, but that she had now said enough and would say no more about it – I had declared that I had given up all thought of the thing, had positively no hope at all. In fact, considered the decisive ‘no’ as good as said – no, she replied, I did not say that – I will think about it, but don’t go on hoping – I declared on my word I did not do so. Thinking on my word after much pretty talk – I care little about it, anyway will do. It seems I can have her as my mistress and may amuse myself – she kissed me and lay on my arm as before, evidently excited, tho’ talking of her coldness which I never contradict. Said a French Countess had taught me much of foreign manners and court scandal – my aunt afraid of her for me. To prove I had no hope, said I had told my aunt so – yet I kissed and pressed very tenderly and got my right hand up her petticoats to queer, but not to the skin – could not get through her thick knitted drawers for tho’ she never once attempted to put my hand away, she held her thighs too tight together for me. I shall manage it the next time.
She said she had now begun with fires in her room – said I would sit by it with her – laughed and said the dressing room door should have opened into the bedroom – and, finding my conversation needed not be so straight laced as for Catherine Rawson, hinted at the only use of pocket holes abroad etc and quizzed her for thinking we might be as comfortable – she at Cliff Hill and I at Shibden – as if we were together. In fact, I may certainly have my way – she all the time telling me of her coldness. She asked me to spend the whole day and stay all night on Tuesday – I said I would breakfast with her. I wonder what she will say when I have once fairly done my best for her – it will be odd enough then to talk of no hope. If she really continues to excite and amuse me, well and good – I will take her on her own terms and when I am tired, the no hope business will always be a plea to get off. How little she dreams of all this – she thinks me over head and ears past recall – her mumbling kisses and anything but coldness have done a world of good. She thinks me the only one in danger – if I am, I the greatest, she has not much to fear – she owns she cares for me. She consulted me again tonight about the Atkinsons – I shall soon get quite into her confidence. I wonder whether she is too deep for me or I for her.
John came for me tonight and went first to the Priestleys – they will talk us over and think something is in the wind. Mrs P- said yesterday my going to her, Miss W-, so much was a good thing for her.
Anne Lister Coded Diary Entries 