Miss W- came down in two or three minutes – about an hour at breakfast. She then showed me the letter from her cousin Mr Edwards Atkinson thanking her for her offer of lending him five hundred, but asking the loan of three thousand – wrote her a copy of answer, which she wrote verbatim, saying she had meant to give him the five hundred but could do no more, straitened by her late purchases etc for the present – the magnitude of her expenses uncertain for the future and she would not anticipate her resources by borrowing. Confidential conversation – she influenced by all I said – Mrs Hartley tipples brandy and water, advised her by no means visiting her at Bingley.
Got on very well – kissing as usual…afterwards lovemaking and kissing – she lying on my arm. Told her, as we got to talking more and more as if we should be together, that I thought of taking down the kitchen part, castellating the new part and the lodge from the Godley Road, and changing the name to Shibden Castle – that if I could, I would give Saint James’s Church a painted window with the likeness of my uncle – that not my sister, but the Listers in Wales would be my heirs according to my uncle’s wish – that as soon as we had been settled together I would settle Shibden on her for life. We talked of the Ainsworths coming to Cliff Hill and getting Lightcliffe chapel for him – she might be able to get the archbishop’s interest with our vicar – I feared that might be refused but I could, perhaps, apply to the vicar through the next best channel (meaning, but not saying so, Lord Wharncliffe).
As it became dusk, we crept closer and I, without any resistance, got (for the first time) right middle finger up her queer at three separate times, she nothing loth but evidently excited – she liking it and wet – and taking it altogether as if she had learnt her lesson before in this way too, as well as in kissing – she whispered that she loved me then. Afterwards said that her mind was quite unmade up and bade me not be sanguine – the name of Cliff Hill escaped from me and she burst into tears – and said if she could regret it at that moment, what should she do afterwards. How can I tell what to make of her? She had casually said Catherine Rawson did often said she should like to live with her – they had long ago talked of it, but now and of late she had thought it would not answer and was getting off. Thought then my surmise was probably true, when I fancied that Catherine’s classics might have taught her the trick of debauching Miss W-. Yes, Miss W- has been taught by someone.
We agreed that we could not be quite common friends again and yet, her cool advice to me just before leaving her – not to hope too much – sickened me at heart and I said to myself as I walked along – damn her, she is an old hand and has nor shame nor anything – she certainly takes all very much like one of the initiated.