20 October 1832

I felt out of sorts with her but did not show it. We fondled as usual and I was handling her and feeling her queer as she had not much cousin – at least, all was dry. Explained why I thought her mistaken in thinking she would bear a man easier than me – explained the size of men – how Caesar was biliber[?] – as big as two books. Mentioned some women taking even an ass and the woman in Paris with a dog to be seen for ten francs etc. – all which she listened to with interest and composure. Told [of] my attachment to Eliza Raine that began at thirteen or fourteen – each unknowing at first that there was a break between us – my fault – I too giddy, tho’ not caring in reality for anyone else – and the poor girl from that time began to be not quite herself.

Joked and said I knew she, Miss W-, meant to say ‘no’ – that she would break my heart at last, but she would never hear of it – would hear neither of nor from me – then, said she, I must say yes or give you up entirely. Said what else could she expect – people who felt moderately might act so – how could I do so? I had nothing for it except one extreme or other – thus, such, in preparation of being off, I know she would like to keep me on so as to have the benefit of my intimacy without any real joint concern.

[Letter to M-] Did not mention her in any way so that M- could surmise anything particular – on the contrary – afterwards spoke of having no tie here and should be glad to be off as soon as I could.

[Talking to my aunt] about Miss Walker – my aunt’s joking me yesterday about my changing my mind had struck me – perhaps I might do so. The nearer I seemed to her, Miss W-‘s, consenting – and by a strange perversity – the more I doubted my own mind. She had chosen lemons too well – and knowingly – and like a housekeeper at Gregory’s on Monday. In fact, talked as if I was very wavering as in fact I begin to feel.

25 September 1832

[Letter from M-] [‘I am very unwilling, my dearest Fred, to cuff you to another person that does not learn to share your own mind on the best – but it seems to me that Eugénie is the person of all others to suit you’ – However, she went to see Miss Smith and let me know what she thought of her…I scarce know what to do – poor M- seems not very confident off that long expected, C[harles] would be beside himself and often told M- so.] Her letter seems as if she thought of me affectionately – does she half repent the break between us? Heaven only knows. If I can get Miss Walker, M- will be surprised – she talks of my probably settling abroad for some years. [M- would not advise me to take a foreigner if I was going to remain at home, but on my return advise me to ‘take a steady, respectable woman who you can depend upon to look after your other servants’]. This seems as if M- had no thought of ever being with me.

07 September 1832

Incurred a cross last night thinking of Miss Walker.

Think we shall get on together – she feels satisfied at having called at Pye Nest and grateful to me for persuading her to do so. I wonder if I can at all mould her to my own way.

About my little care for M-.

20 August 1832

[Letter from M-] She wishes Mr W[illoughby] Crewe was – I wish to heaven he was – well married. I value his friendship and his regard and should heartily rejoice over any change in his present way of life, for, honestly, I think he will go melancholy. It does not seem as if she cared more for him that for me. Well, I trust I have done with her. I rarely think of her without irritation.

05 August 1832

[Letter from M-] She regrets disappointing me – ‘the last of my sins is that of willingly disappointing you’ – this is well enough, but she has disappointed me altogether and I am really getting over it and already thinking it is all for the best and, perhaps, lucky for me. Something will turn up and she and I can remain on comfortable, friendly terms.

01 August 1832

She could only sleep on the right-side last night – it was well she was ready for me without any trouble moving. A pretty good kiss on getting into bed and another about an hour after, she nothing loth and seeming to have had two good ones – said after the first she thought I had done her good and in the midst of the second said how delightful. Tried to go to sleep but [M- suffered much from her ear].

She asked me if I would go farther which I declined. I asked as we drove down the back if she cared for me – yes – if she thought of me – yes, often and much – but she still thinks she shall not be long lived and that Charles will survive her and, somehow, the calmness or indifference of her manner annoyed me. I asked if she would go to Holland again – no, she did not wish to travel, liked her hens and chickens better. Somehow, I said to myself on leaving, ‘well, I never think of her without irritation’. I felt relieved to be rid of her and anxious to get her out of my mind. Shall I, said I to myself, ever dislike her – I am glad her visit is over, yet no one, as my aunt owns, see any difference from formerly in the manner of either of us – but, said I, there is a great difference at heart.

31 July 1832

From ten to one and three quarters wrote quickly enough and then wrote out.

Very civil and kind and attentive to M-. In walking home she had seemed to take rather more interest about things than she did before. Got into bed as soon as I could – not much conversation, she was in pain from her ear.

27 June 1840

Incurred a cross last night thinking of M-.

At the last station and here little necessary at the back across the court line space. It is a bleak table line bench over a wooden tub and I did a tolerable big job very comfortably.